Lesson 3 - Storms, Shine & Rainbows

By

Stacey Salt

A gentle and kind warning to say the following is in honour of Baby Loss Awareness week and the Wave of Light. There is some sensitive content around baby loss, my story and some photos which may upset some.

For those who know me some of this story will be familiar, for those entering my story for the first time the experience may be familiar, or not but sharing stories can help others, especially those feeling alone and not in the right place to share theirs. 

The power of global awareness days is driven by social networks, websites, support networks and all the millions of people in those vehicles contributing in their own ways to spread awareness. Some share their stories, others offer support, kind words, advice … whatever the input everyone has a common purpose, awareness and coming together underpinned by the practice of solidarity, care, compassion, and empathy. Technology and social networks provide the platform for these global communities, and they are so powerful.

January 2015, I was in London with Jasmine and Isaac. We had gone to meet my husband, who at the time was in the army. Whilst we were there, I felt different, I had for a while. Yes, I was pregnant and a test whilst in London confirmed that, we were all over the moon and could not wait for baby number 3. 

March 2015, I went for my first scan, I was further along than I initially thought and that was confirmed quite quickly during the scan, I could see the heartbeat and the teeny baba on the screen, everything just seemed normal in that small moment. The room then went silent, I lied their patiently whilst the sonographer moved the scanner around on my tummy, I could hear a clock ticking, people breathing...I lied their clenching my hands together staring up at the ceiling, it felt like hours until someone spoke. Then there were words, softly spoken but I will never forget them "I am so sorry Stacey, but there is something wrong with the baby, try not to panic whilst I go and get a doctor". 

I did not believe the sonographer, I could see the baby, the heartbeat, movement …me, Matt and his mum just waited, I suddenly felt like I was in some strange dream and I was going to wake up soon, the room was dark with just the light of ultra sound machine glowing, my cry was silent but I could feel the tears rolling down my face. The doctor came in and confirmed that there was a lot of fluid around the baby, and although the baby was alive in that moment, the pregnancy would not last. 

I was taken into another room, the doctor gave me a lot more detail about what was up, I don't remember that conversation though, I just remember being sat there, the doctors mouth was moving but I could not hear the words, I was just staring into space thinking they will realise soon they have made a mistake.

                                                                                              

Three days later on the 11th of March 2015, Baby Jude arrived, stillborn. I was just over 16 weeks pregnant, and he was the most perfect, tiniest little human I ever saw. My pregnancy was in the early stages, not even halfway but still he was a baby, our baby, perfectly formed just a tinier version. The next few hours in the hospital room seemed to go so fast, the nurses were amazing, and Jude was placed in a tiny wicca basket, encased in pure white blankets, which I still have – they rest in Serendipity Space,     where I work, write, and reflect.

At the time I was in my third year of university and a mother to my other two children Jasmine and Isaac. I had to throw myself back into my dissertation and motherhood, like I had to prove I could do it all. I did not want to let myself down or anyone else, thankfully I had an incredibly supportive family network who stood by me every choice I decided to make as a coping mechanism.

I remember one day at university, I broke down. My lecturer, Barbara took me to one side, she was aware of what I had been through and was extremely supportive. It was weird because at home I had to be strong and powered through each day, but this one day everything had got too much. I remember saying to Barbara “why me?” and her response clear and to the point, “well why not you?” I was not sure how to react to her response but the more I thought about it she was right, pregnancy loss in the UK alone happens more than we think, according to Tommy’s, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss during pregnancy or birth. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and premature births can happen to anyone, what was to follow for me underpinned that it was not my fault, but Jude had a rare chromosome condition.

In the dark, I continued and finished my degree and achieved the grade I set out to get, a first-class honour. I found my own ways to continue and part of that was not talking about my experience, at the time it felt right and one day I would feel brave enough to share my story.

Not long after completing Business Management I decided to enrol on a PGCE, I knew for quite a long time I wanted to teach. I found out I was pregnant a month before my course started, I should have been over the moon, but I was terrified. At around 5 weeks I remember standing in the kitchen, all sudden I felt the most painful stabbing in my stomach, I knew something was wrong, I started bleeding and was rushed straight to hospital in agony.

Heading into that ultrasound room just brought dread, I was expecting the news to be that I had miscarried. The news was happy, the baby’s heartbeat was there, and a little blob appeared on the screen. Through further investigation the consultant found that the baby was coming away from womb and it was likely I would miscarry, I was given options, but I decided to stick with it, and let whatever may happen, happen naturally. From that day I went for ultrasounds every week (I got quite a selection of scan photos) for the first few weeks I was told it was getting worse and should prepare for the worse, I bled everyday up until around 16 weeks, I went in for weekly scan with the consultant (she had looked after me through Baby Jude and through this pregnancy). The consultant was quiet, for ages but this time, for some reason I had a positive feeling, I did not feel scared. The consultant was shocked, happy, and excited, the baby was fine, the rupture had fixed itself and everything was more than ok. It was like a miracle had happened. After everything I had been through there was an overwhelming bright light at the end of the tunnel.

At this point, I was well into my PGCE, I did not really speak of my pregnancy issues and made sure my appointments worked for me, I felt like if I spoke about it, everything would become real. I was scared to think about it in case it stressed me out and I lost another baby. It was my coping mechanism. I went for regular check ups and on 24^th March 2016 I gave birth to Kasper Jude, he was tiny but healthy and our rainbow baby, our miracle baby below.

Kasper Jude 24.03.2016

In 12 months, I had lost a baby and gained a baby – two babies who are extremely special to me and my journey. My experience is part of who I am, but I hid that for a long time, I was still emotionally drained and not ready to speak openly about the trauma I had been through.

Over the last 7 years, I have shared more. I realised that the experience was not just about me, it was about everyone around me too including my gorgeous kiddies, including those who experienced similar, those who never have, those who may. I can now turn my lived experience into helping others, building awareness, and supporting others in sharing theirs. 

A normal day in the Salt household

Miscarriage and stillbirth are still a taboo subject, and if you experience this before the end of the 24^th week of pregnancy, your rights are dramatically different in terms of employment. The more we can share our stories, the more hope there is for awareness and encouragement for people to share theirs.

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week, it is the opportunity for us to come together and remember all the babies who had to leave too early and raise awareness of the thousands, if not millions of families whose lives are affected each year.

Saturday 15^th October 7pm sees the international Wave of Light, a super special day which I see develop every year into something bigger. Families from across the globe, coming together and lighting a candle for all the babies taken too soon.

I hope you can light a candle and join, in memory and solidarity for all.

I memory of Baby Jude, I know you are having the best cuddles with Nanny Dot and Grandad, sleep tight little man.